Afterglow Audience or Why I Can Never Be a Pornstar

I take care of most of my self-loving in front of my PC in my room, like almost every other guy in the world that's living in the 21st century. Cause that's where we keep our porn, you see? It's easy, accessible, and with a good internet connection, there's enough variety to keep us going for several sessions (or one really, really long one after drinking all night).

Afterward, though, there's always that tiny little bit of shame that we're wont to feel for some reason. Especially if you've got an easily available girlfriend that could've taken care of this task, but you were just too lazy to go visit, or if you're someone in particular I know, she's being a cunt somewhere.

Yes, that little bit of shame washes over us as we exhale, our pants around our ankles, and a little sweaty. I've gotten used to it and try to fight it, but it doesn't matter. I've come to accept it. Only, the thing that really gets to me now, is that moment when I decide that it's time to finish 'cause I got to go to bed/work/church.

For me, I'd gladly take that shame over the overwhelming feeling of awkwardness that I feel when I close out all 12 of the open windows full of porn and end up seeing my desktop's background.




Something about seeing all of my friends' smiling, happy faces as I slowly put my wang away and pull up my pants makes everything feel just a tad bit awkward. My ever-weakening boner completely dies within a second of making eye contact with all them.

And this is how I know that I can never be a porn star.

Subway incident number 3 - Subway Creeper

For all those familiar with the Subway stories de Lyman, this is a continuation. Sure I know there are many Subway stories I have, but these 3 take the cake.

Here is a brief description of the 2 prior stories:
Subway Incident 1: Guy before me gets his subway order fucked up.
Subway Incident 2: Truck stop subway

Subway Incident 3:

Went to Subway to order me one of those any foot long for 5$ subs excluding premium subs. I go wait my turn in line, and tell the subway lady, "Is the Chicken Ranch sub on sale?" She replied quickly, "No." I thought that was odd because it was not a premium sub, so it was blatant for me to assume it was 5$. The guy next to me decides to creep up to me and whisper in my ear, "I thought all footlongs were 5 dollars?" My ear feeling molested, I then ask for the Italian BLT, so that I can get a few inches distance between me and the guy.

The subway sandwich artists were in a hurry, and threw in my sub along with the creeper's sandwich. They foiled my plan to get distance between me and creeper. When they ask me for toppings, I say, "The works, except for green peppers." Creeper then says, "I thought the works meant everything?" "Oh god, why isn't anyone doing anything" I thought. The guys breath upon my ears made the hair on the back of my neck stand up. It was that bad.

When the time came to pay, the guy rings up my sub and says 7$ and change. I ask him, "Hey, isn't the Italian BLT a on special like the sign on the window says, "All footlong subs 5$, in small print excluding premium subs." The guy with a Lady of Guadalupe tattoo on his sandwich making forearm says, "Oh, that is only after 4 pm." Sarcastically, I thought, "Well that makes sense." A snazy comeback was in order, yes I said snazy, but the guy in line decided to violate my personal space again and whisper to me, "Well, they sure got you today didn't they?" Fuck!!!

Later that night, I got an ear ache. Fucking Subway Creeper!!!

Another Monday

Another manic monday

There was a good start today, got me a coffee and some tacos. Then I decided, "Well, it has been a while since I spoiled the Sexpedition." So I got a car wash. When finished, I drove off and stop at a intersection where I noticed a lawn crew. Two guys blowing dirt and grass into the air, in the vicinity of the newly clean expy. To make matters worse I arrived to school early. I waited and a little mockingbird landed on the expy's hood. What I thought was a sign of tranquility was spoiled when that little booger shatted!

A new monday, has started out like every old. I see class is to begin in 5 minutes and headed on over. When I got there I remembered the 15 minute delay the clock had, so that I would show up to class late. Sometimes I even get myself!

After class my stomach started to growl and I wanted to soothe the savage beast. Luckily my mother gave me a Mcdonald's gift card. I drive on over and order me a McChicken, McDouble, fries, and drink. Yes I partook on dollar menu items. The total came out to 4.33$. I swipe the 5$ gift card and make a little small talk to the cashier. "Hey, what happens to the 67 cents, do I never see it again?" The cashier had no interest into this philosophical discussion, and replied, "You can buy a jalapeno"

Once the food was ready I sat down at one of those two seat tables. Realizing the circumstances and the 67 cents I will never see, I go up and get me some Big Mac sauce. Which is free btw. At first I wanted to see how fries dipped in Big Mac sauce tasted, but the lady asked if I wanted a spoon. The image of a Big McDoubleChicken Mac popped into my head. I thought I would be crazy not to carry out my creative endeavor. Once this beast of deliciousness was created, I noticed mysterious ketchup on my shirt, and I quickly texted Chris. I then look up and see some old guy in a Sprint coat taking a seat on the table in front of me. Which out of all the empty tables in the restaurant, made me wonder, "Why did he sit there, and why is he facing me?"

Quick glances at him, I see he ordered the same food as me. I ate a fry, he ate a fry, I took a sip of powerade/orange burst, he took a sip of his drink, a chick walks in and I look at her ass to determine her status in the woman world, the guy did the same!!!! Each instance I would text Chris, and he pretend to do the same (later I realized this kept him from coming up to me and asking me if I was happy with my cell phone carrier).

He then leaves which brought a sigh of relief, but also revealed the guy behind him a table away and facing at me. Luckily for me I finished my grub and went to go refill my drink before I left the burger establishment. That was when I ran into "Guy who gets in your way" I went to fill up my green drink, the guy would get in my way, I get a straw and he would be an obstace in my path, and when I left he and I got into that indifferent shuffle.

Oh Monday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Interview paradox

Luckily for all you all, I have a test tomorrow, and the best stories I have come from such circumstances.


I recently, got called in to do an interview for a job. I applied for 1 job but as a requirement, I had to put 3 jobs. The interview was not for the 1 job I applied for, but one of the other 2. The person who called me did not give me that information.

When I found out while I was waiting in the waiting room (I like rooms that are called what they are) to be called in. A secretary with a nice ass calls out my name and leads me into this room with 2 interviewers.

They ask me my name, shake my hand, you know proper interview protocol. I then sit down look at this sheet of paper with questions on it. Taking out a pen, and ready to write my name, one of the guys stops me, "Hey you don't have to write on the paper." I replied, "Well then why does it ask me for my name?"

The end

Things could be worse (Mondays)

Dear diary, Feb. 8, 2010

The Gf got sick in the morning, my concern over her well being caused me to be late to school. I didn't bother to shower and jumped into my car.

The car wouldn't start, dammit! I pop the hood open and fiddle with the battery terminals, and success. The car starts. To make up for lost time, I go 75 mph in a 60 mph zone. I notice to late a motorcycle cop.

After I get a warning, like a fish who just gets caught and released. I arrived to the college late. Running to class, I feel a rock in my shoe, I open the door and nearly run over a big tit girl. Luckily, I learned a few things from watching the Super Bowl, I dodge her advances, and yell out, "Watch out Tits!''

In class I get to my seat and smell some funk. Oh shit! All that running and I forgot armpit deodorant. Luckily for me it was the day we used Democracy to choose a review session time. I raised my arms up about 10 times, the chick next to me knew what I was cooking, either chicken soup or Burger king. The class ended with the professor announcing an upcoming test. "Just read the homework problems and chapters from the book," he said. To bad I do not have a book. Ordering it online on January 27 and paying the extra shipping fee to have it in 6 days, the book has not arrived

At home, I check the mail. Low and behold, the book has arrived. "Maybe my shitty Monday will not be so shitty," I thought. Then I opened up the package and... It is the wrong book. Monday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Out of all the book orders I've done for other people, the one I don't get correct, is the only order I do for myself. The old man comes home and tells me to go pay the car insurance, since I will be going to the post office later to return the book.
I go and pay the bill with cash. The fat lady helping me doesn't have change and asks me to go to the restaurant next door for change, oh fuck. The guy behind me doesn't have change either, but the fat lady tells him to wait, because once I pay she will have change (Oh fat bitch, you couldn't wait until I left, and fuck the rock in my shoe too).

After that bad case of the Monday's, I go to the post office and luckily for me I showed up early. The 8th person in line. The time passes by real slowly, I calculated about 20 minutes per person being helped. After the 2 hours 40 minutes wait I reach the postal worker. I give him my book and after about 45 seconds, am heading out the door.

I head on over to the college to see if they still have the 230 dollar book I need. Walking, the rock in my shoe starts to irate me, so being smart I walk in the grass into some deer shit (Monday!). I remove my shoe, empty my shoe again, and put my shoe back on. A couple of steps, and somehow I didn't get the rock out again.

To be safe, I head to the library to see if they have the book. On my way I decide to pay off my tuition with the scholarship I received. So I go to where to pay, and tell the guy, "I'm here to pay off my tuition." I give the student id, and he tells me, "Ok, with what money?" "I tell him the scholarship I have." He replied, "I don't see it here." "What!!!" So, i go check the computer and see that I have financial aid saying I got the scholarship. So I go to financial aid and tell them. The lady says, "Well we have it here only the department hasn't released the money to us yet." I replied, "Well then release it" Like a robot she repeats the same thing to me.

Then I get home a defeated warrior, turns out the rock wasn't in my shoe. It was in my sock.

-The end

Well this doesn't look right

Leaving the college, I fumble with my school bag. My bag hits my pocket and I hear something that resembles a car door opening. So I look up and see my car.

There was this 'Roadside Assistance' sticker that I never noticed before, but the door was open. I open the door and enter the car. "Hmm, who messed with my car seat?"

I look up at the window and see someone replaced my Mardi Gras beads with a handicap permit. "Woh, my car keys do not fit in the ignition."

A sudden realization then hit, 'This was not my car."

Oh these drivers of mine

If y'all have been keeping up with the blog, you might remember this story here about a driver and how he astounded me with his question.

Well, turns out it's not just an anomaly.

Here at the office, the drivers' have a waiting area with a window. They hit a doorbell, we hear it at our desks, and we head on over to see who it is, what they need, etc. Now, the doorbell we have is one of those cheapo ones you can get at any Dollar Store, so don't think it's some sort of complicated system or that our building is wired for it. Just a simple button and a wireless receiver with a speaker in it.

This past Friday, the motherfucker broke. I switched out the batteries, I banged both pieces on my desk, but nothing. Motherfucker won't work. So I take the button and the speaker and bring them inside so the drivers won't waste time pressing the button and not knowing that it doesn't work.

Here's where things get good. On Saturday, the little window is locked, but I can see into the room through a reflection of a nearby window. I see movement in there and I hear random noises like a door opening and whatnot. I walk over to the waiting room, open the door and one of my drivers is there. "Oh hey, your doorbell doesn't work?" I tell him that, no, it doesn't, it broke the day before. Now...you ready for this? He says, "Oh, cause I kept pressing it and nothing was happening."

Pressing it? Pressing WHAT?! THE PIECE OF TAPE ON THE WALL?!

He was serious. Seriously. I wish I was making it up.

THAT'S NOT EVEN THE CRAZY PART.

Today, THE SAME EXACT THING HAPPENED. A separate driver, living in another part of TX from the first driver, so they don't even know each other. "Hey, I was pressing it and nothing was happening." THEY WERE POKING AT A PIECE OF TAPE ON THE WALL AND NOTHING WAS HAPPENING. THAT'S HOW THEY FIGURED OUT THE DOORBELL WASN'T WORKING.

It wasn't that the button was missing. It was that they poked at sticky paper on the wall that they figured out that there was no doorbell.

My faith in humanity drops a little more every day.